Willing to Share More About Myself, Now...

Good morning. I should be going to sleep soon; although I physically went to bed around 10 last night, I really haven't closed my eyes. This morning, I showered with my husband for the first time in a while; usually, I'm still sleep while he gets ready for work. Anyway; after eating breakfast together, we had another talk about children, again. Lately, I've been getting a feeling that it might be a sign that I can't have children. It scares the crap outta me but i really believe that maybe I wouldn't survive childbirth and that's why I haven't gotten pregnant.

I tend to get depressed a lot because the little friends that I do have, have children. I was there when my good friend had her twins, and I was named the godmother. I remember that same night, after we all came back from the hospital: I cried myself to sleep. When my friend, Rana, announced that she was pregnant, I cried. She was in the same boat as me; in her 30s with no children. So, don't get me wrong, I was very excited about her finally becoming pregnant. I just can't help that it depresses me a lot.

We have thought about adoption but I always have this feeling that no one would let us adopt. I want to wait until we're finally in a house and not an apartment. Now that my mom and step dad are living with us, I don't know if that would make the adoption procedures for the better or worse.

Enough talk for now; I had no plans on crying today!